


Saruman's Night Before Christmas

by EverythingisIlluminati (buckybarnes19)



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Christmas, Poetry, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 05:31:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5572726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckybarnes19/pseuds/EverythingisIlluminati
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Twas the night before Christmas and throughout Isengard...</p><p>A very special someone makes a visit to Saruman's tower on Christmas Eve</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saruman's Night Before Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> 'Twas the Night Before Christmas was originally writeen by Clement Clarke Moore for warm, joyful, fluffy reasons but why should he get to have all the Christmas joy? So I spread the warth around Middle-Earth in this homage.  
> Yes, I realise this is several days after Christmas but I forgot so - meh.

Saruman’s Night before Christmas 

 

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and throughout Isengard,  
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Warg.  
The stockings were hung without much a care,  
For I’m a dark wizard, and to the Eye, I’m an heir. 

The Uruks were nestled all snug in their beds,  
While visions of torture danced through their heads.  
Grima was snoozing – what a lazy old man,  
And I had just settled down to draft evil plans.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,  
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.  
Away to the window I flew with my staff,  
To give the trespasser a good magic zap.

I looked down from my tower, a spell at the ready,  
But the flash from a sword made me quite unsteady.  
When again I could see, what did I behold,  
But trespassers nine, so daring and bold

With a little old wizard, so feeble and daft,  
I knew in a moment it must be Gandalf.  
More rapid than fell beasts, his coursers they came,  
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Boromir! Aragorn! Gimli! Legolas!  
On Merry, Pippin! On – Frodo and Sam, stop that!  
To the top of the tower! To the top of the wall!  
Dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves before the hurricane fly,  
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,  
So up to my tower the Fellowship flew,  
With a sleigh full of trinkets and Gandalf, too.

And then, in that moment, I thought I could sing,  
For surely I’d be able to snatch up the Ring.  
As I drew in my head and was turning around,  
Down the chimney the Grey Pilgrim came with a bound.

He was dressed all in white from his head to his foot,  
His Fellowship followed, all covered in soot.  
On Gandalf’s shoulder was a sack full of toys,  
That made Grima leap up and shout out, “Oh, boy!”

His eyes were a-twinkle, his mouth was a grin!  
His teeth were as white as the beard on his chin!  
His cheeks were ruddy from the cold and the snow,  
And his hand rested on the shoulder of his darling Frodo.

He looked pretty good for the recently dead,  
I had to remember to get his secret.  
The Fellowship looked worse – they were covered in mud,  
And I readied a spell to save my poor rug.

But Gandalf, being his dastardly self,  
Blocked the spell aimed at the Legolas elf.  
A wink from the eye of the wizard in white  
Told me to put down my staff and learn to play nice.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,  
And filled all the stockings, his eyes full of mirth.  
He gathered his Fellowship (why were they sent?)  
And giving a nod, up the chimney they went.

They sprang to the sleigh, and were soon out of sight,  
But not before I heard a cry ring through the night:  
“Merry Christmas, Saruman!” and when I thought they were swell…  
My tower blew up, and I cursed them to Hell.


End file.
